Category Archives: feelings

my emotions

Running on Full

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Running after eating a full meal is not such a good idea. It’s like getting in a fist fight underwater holding your breath and kicking for air. Humans are not cars. They do not go faster when there is an increased source of energy.

It probably doesn’t help that I have been a huge slacker and not exercising. Take it easy. I need to follow my advice. All of it. I’m having a midbrain crisis.

Blow up into the atmosphere where a change goes unnoticed. Erase myself from invisible sheers. Explosives are held at arm’s length, but they won’t escape my person until I realize they were created by me.

I met a guy (long ago)

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Days come and go from all directions and this one hit the jackpot of all plane dives ending in an explosive debris. All I can remember is being quiet. We were both quiet and we stayed that way for a while. Everything was going so well and only got better. We walked on the path at the park and I was swept away. We did nothing, but it was the best feeling ever. Like sleep. I knew how nonsexual the atmosphere was and it was thrilling. We would last for a long time. I can still picture him walking as I saw him through my window on our first date. He had on a sweater and his hair was a little messy. This guy had it all: the looks, the brains, and the personality that hit the spot; until I found out he wasn’t the guy.

That was ages ago. His car has been breaking down, and we’ve been talking on the phone. I haven’t seen him for a while. He spent the day with me yesterday and neglected to ask me what was going on and was acting like a train wreck and I felt like cutting his tongue with scissors [only for a moment]. He was speeding and sliding out of the lanes when he took me home. And then he asked me to do heroin. That’s when I wanted to shoot pesticide into his arm. He wouldn’t let up and I wanted to go home. I wouldn’t mind not seeing him again.

Lies: I won’t get drunk again

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I promised myself that I wouldn’t get drunk and like always I fail myself. I told my half-boyfriend (it’s a long story) that after the first time I got wasted that I wouldn’t do it again. He cares for me, but I seriously need a break to think things out and straighten other things out. It’s sucks being sick. I am sick. I disgust myself because I drank to high heaven again. Luckily, I remembered everything and I’m not the type to hang over guys or do anything stupid. I rarely go to parties, but when I do I feel I need to get away from life for a little while. Forgive Me! (directed toward myself).

I feel angry. At my own stupidity.

You’re getting on my nervana

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Nirvana is something I’ll never reach. Does anyone really reach it? I don’t think you can grab it. It comes when it pleases and it seems to keep its distance from me. It gets on my nerves that I don’t try to calm myself down to appreciate everything. I need friends who understand me. Having 100 friends does nothing for me. I’m only close to two of my best friends. I want to go to India and live under the trees. And understand. I can’t really sum up they way I feel today. It’s like addition doesn’t add up. Or it’s just complex me.

fired and debt

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I just got dismissed from my workplace as a secretary because I missed work without notifying anyone. I’m not going shopping for a long time and I wish I could give it back to pay off my credit cards. My parents are helping me out, but it still sucks. I had fun in Mexico and spent my earnings on random accessories, but now I know it wasn’t worth it (half our stuff got stolen). I’m becoming who I don’t want to be. Me, Valerie, and Gina hitched a ride down to Mexico with a family of three and found some good lookin boys to hang out with that night. We slept on the floor in their house and passed out. The next morning we had trouble finding a way back. We tried to get back into the states and we ended up getting driven by a creepy old man in a white pickup truck. After being uncomfortable for like 5 minutes we decided to say “we wanted to stop here” in order to find a new ride. I was kinda hungry since I hadn’t eaten, but I lost my appetite from being scared. Before the sun came down, two women picked us up and brought us to Green Valley (half an hour away from my home). Another man who was bald took us into town. I’m home now and I won’t be able to go to sleep tonight.

Stuck Inside

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I stayed curled up in a ball today. Internally I feel like nothing is resolving. Externally I have nothing to do. I’ve lost my appetite and I can’t think straight. I always try to think of what’s wrong with me. I’m not a hypochondriac but I know there is something short circuiting. (Normality doesn’t exist and that’s not what I’m striving for) I just want to be content. I can handle the unexpected. First I think I’m bipolar or something, then I think I am schizophrenic or psychotic to a mild degree. I want to have Alzheimer’s disease; maybe not. I’m already screwed up it seems to me. I’ve never done any drugs, but I don’t need drugs to make myself feel out of touch. My ex-boyfriend called today and tried to blame me for his cheating on me. This was a few months ago and I can’t stand that he brings it up because I wouldn’t “put out”. I’ve let go of it, but the fact that I persevere in thinking it only compounds the stress. Everything is unstable and I feel like letting the turmoil spill to the ground.

meh

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I wrote a poem today,

Nausea,
my secret friend
You have no idea
Where I’ve been
Hiding Agamemnon.

I’m not sure what it is supposed to be about, I wrote it spontaneously. I’m frustrated by my coworkers hitting on me. They always tend to assume I’m a lesbian since I don’t return their feelings. Never seems to occur to them that I might simply be dead inside. Or that I may have a schizoid personality disorder. [A word comes to mind- scrotum. How hideous, it sounds like a velociraptor or a bird. Mute. That’s what they want isn’t it? Passing inanimate gestures as they cough up words to express what? Sexual interest? If you can’t enjoy the gore of my vagina bleeding you’re probably too young to be having sex with me billy.] I don’t know why other girls like the mean guys I want someone cool and brain dead, like Andy Warhol. Hmmm perhaps a catatonic boy would be nice. Not contaminated by the cancerous prions of society.

Note: prions are proteins that cause diseases such as Creutzfeldt Jacob’s disease, that is what they call a person with mad cows disease.

I heard my science teacher joke once that male ejaculate had a high protein content and so it was good for you to eat. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with these other girls, contamination by prions. “This stuff is amazing bob I lost 70% of my fat using this diet pill admittedly most of the fat lost came from my brain but hey…”

Faucet. Coffee. Kitten.

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Awakening from a crazy dream, I realized I was sweating buckets. It was gross, but I woke up out of breath and scared as hell for no reason. I drempt (is that a word) that I was being flushed down a kitchen faucet. I fell into this pool and started to drown. I couldn’t swim. It was night and no one was there. I was in a closed park or residential pool that was locked. I ended up at the surface and security were calling the police and I was being questioned for “breaking and entering.” Then it started to shower with lightning all around me. At the crack of piercing thunder, I woke up.

I guess I’m partially sick. I have a sour taste in my mouth since the morning. I was going to go on a run today cuz I haven’t been active for a while. My stomach hurts so I took Pepto-Bismol. For breakfast, I had 4 cups of coffee and now I can’t stop moving. I’m bouncing around while reading, while doing laundry, and polluting the air with my singing of “Just Like a Woman.”

To top off everything my cat ran away this morning. It was a one year old tabby. My dad said he was going to look around the neighborhood, but he got home late from work. I am sad because I think he’s been made into a meal for the wild animals. My muscles are sore and now I finally think the coffee is taking its toll on me. Sorry to all who called me today; I haven’t been myself and twas feeling ornery for the better part of the day. I’m still going bowling this weekend.

bored, but not a bore

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TV sucks. I’m the kind of person who is never content with watching the boob tube for extended periods of time. I’d rather consciously lack thinking than be hypnotized by television and the promotional commercials. As a matter of fact, I sat down with the lights turned off, let in a hint of sunlight, and stared at my wall in my room for 10 minutes straight and tried to condense my thoughts. The 10 minutes last a lifetime, but the 600 seconds are quite pleasant.

“Beyond the Horizon,” from Modern Times by Bob Dylan was playing on the radio at 98.9 FM, more specifically on the show called American Roots. I might have to listen to that station more often. I was just skipping through stations and I heard the song. I’ve never heard a new tune by Dylan on the radio before; probably because I hardly listen and he doesn’t fit in commercially with all the other stations.