Category Archives: feelings

my emotions

detrimental health equivalance

cigarettes
second hand smoke
caffeine
sugar
sugar substitutes / artificial sweeteners
stevia
sage
alcohol
marijuana
butter vs. margarine

Use of these products may be hazardous to your health.

These could all be bad for you, your health, your body, your life. Did I forget the harder stuff? Meth isn’t so great. Everything kills you slowly. Diet soda isn’t better than regular soda. You may have an excuse if your diabetic, maybe.

Aspartame doesn’t seem to have a good track record. Saccharin, while not crazy dangerous, used to have a cancer warning. It has been studied more closely and such a problem was not concluded by peer review.

Sweet'n Cancer

The thing to ponder today is why there is concern. Most studies are inconclusive about long term damages. This shouldn’t make you automatically conclude they will make you drop dead. On the other token, you shouldn’t classify anything as safe just because the FDA or a bunch of Ph. D’s give an OK. Everything is relative. Moderation is key, but sometimes a few drops or a sprinkle is the spark for a fire. Everyone has a vice and I am sick of seeing hostility for a drunkard when the accuser is a coffee junkie. Or a chain smoker who speaks ill of “Made from sugar, so it tastes like sugar” products. Or a drug lord who complains of second hand smoke. You don’t eat 6000 calories in one sitting like your obese neighbor; instead you sit in your chair watching 18 straight hours of television nagging your mother to find batteries for the remote. Huffing spray paint isn’t your game either. You prefer to fight people in and out of the ring.

Their dislike may be justified, but they fail to realize what they do could be just as deserving of flak. GRRR. Do we need any more reminders that we are imperfect? Make yourself feel better by telling yourself that you are in the better position. You don’t do illegal drugs; you just take Adderall for a disease you think you have. I call it Self-fulfilling ADD Pseudoprophecy. Time to increase the dose- you’re not feeling sedated enough.

recipe for bored slut

things probably aren’t interesting enough when you sell your body and you feel like an inanimate toy being used by a john just as dirty as yourself. Prostitution is not a crime-

in France. It is under fire but nothing like the United States and illegal sex work. Whether it’s legal or not will not change that if you engage your privates incessantly that you’ll get bored and desensitized. All those nerve endings will diminish the pleasure from over usage. You have to be an expert chef to make the same dish taste good with the same ingredients 10 meals a day over and over. Even then there’s a threshold. It’s all economics from there. Value goes down after the demand has been provided. The supply is one. Eat a donut and you’d pay an arbitrary price. After eating 5 donuts, you probably won’t want to pay as much. Sooner or later you won’t want to pay for the 12th ring of sugared pastry.

If you are a bored slut, try a new recipe:

– 2 days of Ragdoll blues
– Sewer scented security
– 3 day old newspaper
– one loch of hair

Make believe you are a woodpecker carving your initials in the dam of a beaver’s house. Realize you have wings to fly away, but that you have made a cage of wooden tears. Your tree pays you in leaves and you see the leaves as independence, so you don’t leave the cage. Wrap your loch of hair in the newspaper and proceed to ignite the rolled newspaper. Inhale the musty smoke and saran rap the sewers as a preventative measure against rulers and contracts. Better yet and worse later- learn how to saran rap at your local MC showdown. Live life as if it you had to yield crops from your field.

existential panic after insect murder

This has got to be the most insignificant but worthwhile event that has happened lately. I saw some kind of insect. I think some sort of beetle. It had fallen-and-it-couldn’t-get-up. It was stuck on it’s back and was scratching at the air to turn itself over. I thought about what intentions it had. Either genetics was programming it to survive or it thought about getting out of his situation. I intervened with an oversized wrench that was sitting 4 feet above the bugger. I picked up the wrench and proceeded to perform a live dissection. It was an easy cut that seemed to divide his top and bottom half perfectly. I looked at the split in two insect. There was a pause and I saw the head and the 2 legs still squirming in a heavier commotion. I felt bad. I needed to complete my needless injuries. Before passing the final blow, I examined the portion that was lifeless, although I imagined a couple twitch of the posterior legs. Round 2 and the wrench overcame. Within those moments chemicals exploded inside my body and my head was in a haze of abstract mystery. It’s not that I felt guilty. Inside was a palpitating heartbeat and a rush of adrenaline. It could be described as a panic attack in a existential sense. Being and subjecting myself and my actions on the beetle. The murder that took place was no different than the tale Albert Camus created in The Stranger.

What was left out of that story was a vivid emotional array by the Killer of the Arab. My interactive and personal intensities to the situation exceeded the rationality of the events.

For further reading of related microscopic importance (namely the death of bugs), read The Death of the Moth by Virginia Woolf. It is on the caring side but I share the same observations and relate to this story.

A moth recently visit my room after the previous events. I decided to let it fly. It remains in my room and I closed the door. Even after I had reopened the door, it stayed. It was more lively the the other victim I had erased from motion. It had a quasi-frantic random flying pattern about it. It would take breaks and find unusual spots to take five. It overwhelmed my attention and its eye grabbing flutters did not annoy me but gave me reason to feel entertained. I lost sight of it leter on and now I can only hope that it’s not dining on a sweater or whatever moth diets consist of…

Bizarre Boxing Deaths

It’s the beginning of the 1960s. ABC hosts the fight on national television. It’s a bout for the Welterweight title between Benny “Kid” Paret and Emile Griffith. This is their third fight.

Griffith had insulted by Paret, calling him maricón (meaning “faggot” in Spanish) and taunting that he’s going to get him and his husband. Griffith’s sexual orientation was under fire after alleged activities that could tie him to homosexual tendencies.

During the fight Paret is able to hold his own, until being knocked unconscious on the ropes by a round of blows. There is video of the beating as well as some sports commentary. The famous final scene starts at 2:10 in the video. At least 7 punches are thrown after Paret turns into a ragdoll. Plenty of hits are made before that when is about to lose it.

He never recovers, stays in a coma for 9 days until he dies. After that, Griffith is not charged with anything, but continues fighting. He never goes all out in fear of killing another. In 1992 he is visciously attacked after leaving a gay bar. Today he suffers from pugilistic dementia. Now with the condition, he contradicts himself when asked about his sexual preference, claiming to be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, and even none of the above. He has said he has chased men and women, but chooses women over men. Of being at a gay bar, he states…

“I’m not gay! It’s craziness. I go to gay bars to see my friends. What’s the difference? I have my drink and talk to people, same as any bar. Then I finish and go outside. I don’t do anything wrong.”

Sugar Ray Robinson was also mentioned in the youtube video. It’s been said he had a dream that he was going to accidentally kill his next opponent Jimmy Doyle in the ring. A priest and minister had to convince him to fight as he wanted to pull out. He won by knockout, but Doyle hauntingly died from the injuries.

my eye is a dark sea (hyphema)

Be grateful you have an eye to see with I have been a bit on edge about my vision worsening and having trouble using my contact lenses. My one eye has been getting red and I’ve been to the eye doctor and I’ll need to wait another week or so to see how things are going. I have some drops that I’m using and hoping that I’ll be back to normal. There is so much to be grateful for in many aspects of our lives. Nobody is at the bottom of all lists. There is no one who is last at everything. Nobody is on top of it all either and we shouldn’t get so focused on ourselves.

I got published!

I’m so excited today. Someone from Peguin got in touch with me to publish a novel I wrote. It looks like they will make a limited run and see how well it does. I don’t have an agent or anything either, so I’m stoked that it has gotten attention.

The novel is almost a love story, but it has nothing to do with love. It’s a twisted tale of a woman who sees the drastic flux in New York City from when she was young to now. I’m not at liberty to tell you the title, but I will keep you posted about any important events.

Having Sex May Reduce Spread of AIDS

Making whoopie may reduce the spread of help or support, also known as aids. Ahh, the great gift of sex. I think it is a great gift, but it comes with responsibility even within marriage. It is the sole method of raising a family (besides artificial insemination and adoption).

A reason to have sex is to bear children. Many do it for pleasure even if they don’t want children. Children are a result of sexual intercourse, yet many completely block that notion out when they indulge in casual sex. Does that mean everyone has a lack of control if they have a sexual addiction to a married or unmarried partner when they don’t want a family? Unwanted pregnancies would be reduced to 0 and abortion would not be an issue if everyone held their composure. Most people are wired to have sexual urges, but that doesn’t mean we should act on every instance.

Argument: Casual sex is healthy. There would be more unhappiness and other negative conditions if sexual activity was not practiced.

There may be frustration and possible effects of limiting casual sex, but it wouldn’t be worse than what conditions we have already. It’s not like you’ll get an STD or have a little tyke out of wedlock by abstaining from intercourse. The only negative side effects you might get are sexual frustration or misconduct, but many people do this even when they have engaged in casual sex. Just look at how unhappy and negative the world is because of casual sex: disrupted families, abortion, disease (with millions of deaths), divorce, and the list could go on. All that- and what’s the only benefit? Instant sexual gratification.

Often in the religious arena you’ll hear, “If God wants you to have children you will have children.” This is true in the sense that many forms of birth control are not 100 percent safe in preventing pregnancy. However, there is one fatal flaw with that saying: if God wants you to have a child but you have not had intercourse, then a living being has to be implanted in you just like Mary, the earthly mother of Jesus. I highly doubt God has this plan for others though. If you rely solely on that rationale and exclude divine conception, then God apparently wants people to have sex (even if they aren’t married), because He “wants you to have children.” That is not logical reasoning. You can’t blame your actions or results on God. While the argument does give insight on the failure of birth control, it does not excuse anyone from making their own moral decisions. Bad behavior cannot be justified by attributing it to God’s will. We are in control of what we do. Our acts are not a result of God’s will. God’s will is the result of our ends.

Where is the line between just rushing into marriage to have intercourse and legitimately wanting to start a family? Can sex be abused among a couple within marriage (abused among each other, excluding extramarital cheating)?

Argument: Don’t have sex unless you want to have children.

This is by far the safest solution. It also restricts sex within marriage (like when a college couple are living together and married but have no interest in raising a child because they are not mature enough or have limited finances or need to finish school).

I don’t see how marriage legitimizes having sex for pleasure. Is it an illness that dominates life? Or it is something that becomes extracted from reality. You can easily lust after your husband or wife. You can easily love a friend. People fail to think about what they are thinking. There is no differentiation between the act of sex among a spouse and sex with someone who doesn’t share a marriage certificate with you. The actual issue is the desired function or outcome of the activity and whether or not it’s a noble goal.

Pop my Pomegranate (Pt. 2)

Is having sex an accomplishment? Evolution. Survival of the sexiest… Overpopulation- Proof of oversexualization of society. Group sex, single sex, mutual sex. If sex was painful would we be extinct? FUCK! Literally. Sour cherries will no longer grow with virtual gratification. End suffering by having intercourse. Piss on yourself. This is no R. Kelly joke.

Paradise engineering will not make you happy. Life will not make you happy. Nothing makes you happy. And the most important things are nothing we get involved in. People are still buying and selling Viagra, buying and selling, buying and selling. The next stage is Libido Transplant surgery. There is nothing wrong with sex in itself though. It’s some people’s bottle of booze. I blame it on a subconscious erotic capital that goes undetected, yet is sold at inflated prices to undiscovered hedonists. Not all is bad though. If you think about it, if everyone is constantly humping their brains out, per capita crime rate drops to 0%.

And jobs… If you can look like a modest slut, you are hired. Straddle the line between revealing and reserved.

Nudist neighborhoods… Are they focused on getting laid or do they realize the natural condition of human body for what it is? I could almost picture them being more conservative, but that’s only a personal mirage I have. I’m only naked in the shower and in my dreams.

Preprogrammed Lust and Teenaged lussed

It’s hard to rid the desires of intimacy without engaging them. Some choose to do things they regret, others suffer, others have no problems- Yah right. Is lust a condition of humankind or is it just as fervent in the animal kingdom? Are we more likely to defy the institution of marriage because of its very existence. I haven’t done any studies, but I can’t really do anything but ponder it all. What wires people so strongly to jab a rod into someone’s canal? or stimulate a cavity. That’s all it is. Lots of pleasure reception in a localized area. Beings- do they have a pleasure addiction? Does Asceticism solve any problems or make people go crazier? I don’t have any answers. Telling you questions; Asking me lies. Obsession. Lack of control or just wanting to eat an entire box of chocolates? You never know what you’re gunna get, maybe a case of diarrhea’s evil cousin, gonorrhea. Don’t forget Siffy and her friends having lunch. No need to worry, it’ll never happen to you with an invincible sheet of rubber. The world is not going to end if you have children at age 14. There is risk in everything, even eating food you might get food poisoning (Digestively Transmitted Discomfort).

Maybe I’ll try to accumulate more thoughts that could manifest in a later write-up here.

not so androgynous

I suppose there is no such gender term or movement that is an antonym to feminism. There are people accused of male chauvinism, but there is no organization known as menism, malists, and the like. There should be. Although I do believe there is some injustice leftover lingering on women, men have problems of their own. I’m not the one to say what they are, but there are certain differences expected of them. I think more is demanded of us socially, but males have separate issues to deal with. Not as a generalization, but pride and anger are probably more common problems that occur with them. Not many ladies are in jail for crimes that would stem from the preceding reasons I gave.

The world isn’t perfect and it’s easy to disregard everyone. I’ll forgive even if you don’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if I had more of these