Archive for the 'stress' Category

29
Aug

I felt angles of this life dimension

I am sinking into this hopeless bliss. Everything couldn’t be more unsettling. I can’t accomplish a thing without paying a figurative fee to society. I have no interest in my behavior. I don’t realize my facadistic impulses until someone brings them to my attention deficit disorder. I don’t care if my lifespan doesn’t match the posthuman. What have I that will hack my existence? Most of my parts work like when they were new. Devoid direction is my mapless conquest. I am soothed by the unexpected. I claim to live in it with ease; I now put it under reconsideration.

Reconstructing the dream sequence involves going back to sleep and when I say “back to sleep” I mean sleeping back then/not on your back/not returning where you left off. Sleepful content is had when learning happens, when learnedness is applied, and when there the uncontrolled yields a potential quality. This sleep is life to me. But I am also literally tired of sleeping and waking. Let it be one or the other. I now can handle both with equal interest, but trouble through shuffling the deck of nights and days. Tonight might be a face card where I get too much sleep or deuce to depravity.

What kind of precision can you achieve if you arbitrarily make a compound miter cut (CONFUSE MYSELF)? The final products are invisible to me and is there a good angle or a technique that works or does it even matter? I can help from being a rear-view filmmaker. I don’t need to record my life. Replays aren’t where I can live. Boy am I glad I am not finished with the filmography. Girl am I sad that I can’t focus on the current production. Nobody is the devine director.

Emotions are like magnetic fields, attracting its opposite. The element of reality known as NOW is rhetorical surface tension.

16
Jun

euphemism: grown out of love

It’s a paradox to kill love. Divorce doesn’t do anything. Death doesn’t nullify anything except a marriage certificate. Splitting up doesn’t set anyone free. Grown out of love? Is love some plantable life that can be destroyed? I’d like to think of it as an immortal plant. When it dries from lack of water, it just feels the hurt of dehydration, enduring the abandonment. Disregarded by the sun, it has nothing to see except itself… alone. No longer basking in the comforting warmth that is present everyday. But when the sun is part of your galaxy, you still know it is there when covered by clouds.

she couldn’t understand how you can just not love someone anymore

Communication. Is crucial for understanding. The question is not of love, but how complex intricate abstraction is intercepted between two people. Maybe ideas of hope were mistaken for love.

I love communication; although it falls short of expressing definitively unanimous thoughts, especially when the surface (the fundamental idea[s]) is the perimeter and there lies a voluminous mass of multi-dimension to be explored. It’s the fault of arbitrary division within a continuum. Language has no way of explaining itself outside its system, and to chunk things into categories destroys the nonlinear motives of the mind. Decay, decoy. Relay, recoil. Somehow we get by. Aristotelean methods are survivable.

Laying it on you easy with a euphemism contradictorily shows you are masking a deeper issue, which is harder on the euphem-ee.

I now ponder whether it is possible to love more than one person? But then I go into the communication problem of whether I understand what I say to myself. What is love? Sure, there are probably many varieties. I guess I love everybody. And I already knew that; Questions seem to be more understandable than answers. Why?

02
Jun

feelers, time, and breakups

Instead of antentae, humans got stuck with emotional feelers.

I have a lust and disgust for time. I need more of it, but I’d love to rid myself of it (not in a life-ending way, don’t worry!). My life now exponentially feels fuller and quicker. Time flies when you are having anything, not just fun… Time drags when you don’t think, or when you think of things you are not interested in. I haven’t felt so thoughtful in my entire life. Things are flying: through rain, snow, sleet, hail, fun, letdown, and opportunity.

I’ve lost a lover. He was a rare kind. Time ran me by and I got thrown off my feet. He ended commitments three months after discovering each other on a personal level. A short time, but an endless package of feelings and gatherings to replay for lifetimes. Companions are for life. Couples have breakups. I think I had both whether a couple of people constitute a couple, we up and broke our romance. We have companionship left over. That’s most important… I could use more ships full of company.

I am struck by his decision to hold back on “us.” If it’s a hiatus, things will straighten out together on its own. If it’s the ending punctuation mark on the sentence of love, then both of us must know that a piece of us and our experience will linger stiffened in the past, unchangeable, but retrievable. The ending period doesn’t stop anybody from reading what’s written before it. The authors can revise and append the story of love or they can leave the sentence abandoned- the orphan.

I feel like I have reasons for having feelings, rather than the isolated individual perspective of submersion in apathetic teeter of melancholy and euphoria.

disappointed but grateful
detached but realistic
blank but hopeful
fragmented but understanding
confused but content
empty but growing

I feel a physical manifestation of ambivalence.

13
Mar

Talk is Cost-Effective

If you multiply
the times you said something,
I will divide
the times I heard them.

Shop for the correct words while super-marketing. The cheapness of speaking is not stifled by inflation. Ready for the lips to close? You will be dismayed to hear quotation marks in their place. Roaring airs will spout from sealed mouths like a leaky valve. Sewage. Spewage. For the sake of Pete, put a leash on that clich-(eh).

Seminars on who to tell, why to tell, tell you how, tell you now, tell you what, tell you when. Rent the hotels to speak about meeting speakers who rent the hotels that meet renters who speak about hotels that speak meters of rent for speaking about hotels that meet rent for speech. Put some lipstick where your money goes. Talk is cost-effective.

03
Feb

when can I feel

I’d like to
have the capacity
to drive
myself
to you.

I
am just waiting
for the
when
to arrive.

Do we both
require
initiation
before reply?

When can I feel? When never comes, when becomes never, and never comes whenever. Arrows are thrown in a short upward thrusts, as to land where it was. I need to be informed. I am not information. I am looking to be looked upon. Honestly, honesty must spill itself in front of me. I have not dropped all of my belongings yet. Am I holding on to my honesty without showing it beyond my eyes. Candid spontaneity is when. I will start to tell untold information that could have been secrets.

23
Jan

Assembled Disagreement in Polychotomy vs. Where to Buy Side Effects?

Prescribe SSRIs to my Stereo

If you’ve been to a local venue or witnessed your music seen, chances are you have witnessed the sightly claim to independence by individuals conforming to nonconformist societies who feel they are unheard or misinterpreted or act as though there is nobody like them. Take emo for example. A subgenre of music stemming from hardcore, tapering into emotionally heavy music, morphing into cathartic over-dramatization. And where does this come from? A need to feel depressed? A longing for an avenue to express feelings? A way of creating a facade of personal deepness? In any case, emotion gets blown out of proportion, (when the EMOs get out of hand or even if they think they are acting normal) the more emotional than emotional: attention deficit, national deficit, nuclear deficit of the arms race, the infantile attitude of one upsmanship.

Any sub”genre” is hypocrisy against itself. To define by a word is to not explain it. Nothing exists as matter-of-fact if it is a classification. A social construct is all it is. A convenience at times, but equally misleading and distinct from the actual perceived entities they refer to, especially when extended as imperative to social survival imploding into essential survival.

It fuels a self-perpetuated emptiness on both ends of the stick…

The kids wanting the prescription drugs (SSRIs) to legitimize their “depression” diametrically resent the oppression or dependency the medicine may produce. Likewise, the drug companies are partly helping people but also trying to turn a profit. Shove the commercials in our face to ensure us we need medicine. It doesn’t matter if we are actually sick. We all need breast enhancement, perhaps in the future they’ll use surgically inserted benign tumors? We require pills to align ourselves to the status quo, attenuated minds tuned to the 12th root of 2 (like the ever popular equal-temperament musical scale). Go see your dentist about teeth strengthening injections. Talk to your doctor about psuedo-opium for your fear of dying. Sure there might be an ounce of concern for our well being, but the bottom line expects a profit. All in all in all is none. Leftovers of returns.

While doctors and patients feel the efficacy of treating depression through SSRIs is pretty good, treating non-existent disorders is even more powerful. Perhaps this is even more important to maintaining economic progress, as resources become exhausted, and we start closing in on the limit of the function. Most psychotherapeutic drugs act on a wide variety of receptor systems, inhibiting various receptor subtypes. For example quetiapine inhibits 5HT1a, 5HT2, D1, D2, a1, and a2. As the move from typical to atypical anti-psychotics was made, drugs are now trying to be designed to be even more specific. SSRI’s are called selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors because they selectively inhibit the re-uptake mechanism of serotonin. That is to say that the drug shows a higher affinity for blocking this mechanism and does not alter brain functioning in other ways (at least in theory). While this narrowing down of the action of the drug on the mind may teach us more about the serotonin system; and the brain, the cause of depression (if chemical) is bound to be more complex than a simple serotonin imbalance.

The narrowing down of the drugs action straight to a broadly encompassing depression is just as much of a stretch as the narrowing down of genres to isolate one’s identity. A similar selectivity happens in the emo sub”genre” as songs are often categorized crudely as happy, sad, or angry. Without taking the other emotions into consideration or allowing for paradoxical emotions such as melancholy euphoria. Beware of ordained prophylactics for hyper-diagnosed neuroticism and beware of taxonomy that divides a continuum which itself cannot be equated with its segregated parts. It fails on both ends, or non-ends; as fallacies of Division and Composition.

24
Dec

Things I want for Christmas

Santa, family, friends, me, or anyone listening can give this grateful creature:
-a new spine
-care from others; sincerity
-unexpensive gifts that come from dreams
-companionship and ability to express myself intimately
-vacation
-insight into unfinished business of mine
-genius ideas
-family turmoil resolution
-honesty
-lump of coal (for my hookah), peppermint flavored
-an eased spirit
-ability to cook food that tastes good
-competency and uncommon sense

And for New Years, I hope to not hear of a single “Resolution.” I will not be having any. They are poor excuses for weak-willed individuals. N.Y.R.’s are asking to be broken. I’d rather just commit to doing what I want without going overboard. For some, it will be holding off on getting laid so often. Others will lay off the chocolate. Not me. I just won’t have my favorite dark chocolate as much as I have been the past week. It is my crutch that I don’t need. Methinks I’m rambling. Go ahead with New Years Resolutions, just don’t make them in order to break them. Set achievable goals and pick yourself up if you fall. The steps of a baby is the pace of a slow but determined winner. Today my goal is to eat dinner instead of eating chocolate candy bars.

I’d like to fulfill someone else’s wishes if it can be done with an empty bank account. I can’t make my secret getaway right now as a broke gal, so I’ll settle for staring at pictures of it online.

20
Dec

Aggravation (a Kore*us)

There are times when I sink to the bottom, times I am torn to pieces, more broken than shards of glass. Infuriating disgust and rage overcoming, the sudden urges must be held back. Let time heal my emotive fallacies. Allow it. I am not so petty, so thin. I won’t let me back in there. I mentally bash my mind–attack the source.

But of course my aggravation only calms me down. Because life is a lyric.

a living gave without contradiction
things nonfiction blurr
hearts are nails
only one today
the Exist blurr
life can
worlds are of words

PS. This brings a new rewinder to beatniks

16
Dec

Aching Back Blues

Ridden with pain,
Discomfort seeps in.
The new is very old.
The strong is now weak.

I have the aching back blues.
I just want it to go away.
I can’t get rid of it.
I just want it to stop.
I have the aching back blues.

Lately I’ve been moaning inside my head. I have a back injury. Everyone I know seems to have back problems. A third of everyone at work has back issues and we are all secretaries who do no lifting and we get breaks. My dad has metal in his back and he complains in the cold. In the meantime, I’ll do some yoga and strengthen my trunk. And eat less junk food.

There was a guy I knew who had this scarring done to him. His name was Greig, or at least that’s what I knew him as. He was some bum who’d pass by my work in the morning.

25
Nov

A College Diet

Sugar Free or Sugar Slave? Well I’m not a hyperactive gal so I must be fairly free. Every day this semester, college seems like it’s taking me nowhere except to some place that seems like nowhere. Regardless of classes I’m taking, teachers I’m learning from, and homework I’m doing, I feel like an obese learner. I’m a university couch potato. I actually do my work and study. Hit the books… with my face. But seriously- I am learning very little hearing an hour lecture every weekday on garbology. I need a student loan to loan me a four-year vacation. Don’t you love it when your Food Science and Nutrition instructor expands on global warming threats. And she doesn’t even relate it back to how it slow roasts food! Mmm, warm carrots. Simmering salmon. Wind-roasted apples. NO!?! None of it. There’s only a surcharge of $600 to sit through the class and escape with an acceptable lowfat grade. Watch your carbs and ask Weight Watchers to watch you wait.

So to all dying for some turkey, make your own recipe. It’s not that hard to make a turkey, unless you plan of giving birth to one. And yess. I had a fine Thanksgiving. Turkey Day was almost as good. Just ask Hulk Hogan if he’s heard of Atkins. It is documented that diets do work, but will power loses to keep it off. It becomes progressively harder to lose more weight because your body fights to maintain its set point. Think of it as an equilibrium where your chemistry tells you what is best. For some it’s 350 lbs. Others: 600 kilos. What if we just gave hypothyroid medication to overweight people? Too many people suffer from Dietbetes. Dieting is not such a great idea in itself. Exercise and have smaller meals instead of 2 or 3 big ones. Dieting causes obesity to stay a problem. And it’s not anyone’s fault. Diets are made to be broken. (Cue the Goo Goo Dolls’ “Iris” song). Moderation is a better word and tactic. Digressing into compromise–Everyone is on a diet. I’m on the “eat what you feel like and prefer the healthier stuff” diet. My portions and number of meals vary. That’s OK. I’m skinny, but not concerned about how many pounds I own. I’m more concerned about my breasts, my heart, my brain. Ward off heart disease. Coronary arteries would not enjoy a disease.