Archive for June, 2008

23
Jun

Lookism and the Soda Age

By myrah 0 Comments
Categories: feelings, life and opinions

Server to middle-aged couple…
says:What can I get for you to drink?
Subconscious Implication: Have whatever you want.

Server to young lively group indecipherably over 21…
says:What do you want to drink? We have Coke, Sprite, Rootbeer…
Subconscious Implication: You only option is soda tonight!

Fresh 21 year olds have designated drinkers who donate the driving to less responsible alcoholics. Even if this occurs before your best friend’s birthday who is already 21, you may still get the mandatory soda option.

The power of lookism will make you organize predispositions without taking into consideration the recognition of variations. So I got mad that I was verbally limited to those drink selections. I could easily order a beer in spite of her but I didn’t need to defend myself.

It’s funny how I was misinterpreted about being older than I really am in some cases, but the challenge of being seen as under 21 was still in effect. A public directory had me a year older than I was and Kid A believed me to be that age. I had to defend myself that I was actually younger. So the power of the look was overcome by media, then by word of mouth. The word of mouth defense then gave lookism another chance to question my youngness after media was wrong by overaging. Media (Marshall McLuhan never realized) creates another force that fights internal prejudice, but therefore stirs into the pot a more dangerous external prejudice.

I don’t give care if I look 18 or 25, because I’ve been seen as both on first impressions- 1st impressions before being skewed by behavioral and mental interaction. And still lookism prevails on last impressions. I saw you for the 100th time and you still think I’m 19. Maybe that’s why you won’t have an adult conversation with me. I don’t read coloring books anymore.

16
Jun

euphemism: grown out of love

By myrah 1 Comment
Categories: dreaming, life, quick notes, relationship and stress

It’s a paradox to kill love. Divorce doesn’t do anything. Death doesn’t nullify anything except a marriage certificate. Splitting up doesn’t set anyone free. Grown out of love? Is love some plantable life that can be destroyed? I’d like to think of it as an immortal plant. When it dries from lack of water, it just feels the hurt of dehydration, enduring the abandonment. Disregarded by the sun, it has nothing to see except itself… alone. No longer basking in the comforting warmth that is present everyday. But when the sun is part of your galaxy, you still know it is there when covered by clouds.

she couldn’t understand how you can just not love someone anymore

Communication. Is crucial for understanding. The question is not of love, but how complex intricate abstraction is intercepted between two people. Maybe ideas of hope were mistaken for love.

I love communication; although it falls short of expressing definitively unanimous thoughts, especially when the surface (the fundamental idea[s]) is the perimeter and there lies a voluminous mass of multi-dimension to be explored. It’s the fault of arbitrary division within a continuum. Language has no way of explaining itself outside its system, and to chunk things into categories destroys the nonlinear motives of the mind. Decay, decoy. Relay, recoil. Somehow we get by. Aristotelean methods are survivable.

Laying it on you easy with a euphemism contradictorily shows you are masking a deeper issue, which is harder on the euphem-ee.

I now ponder whether it is possible to love more than one person? But then I go into the communication problem of whether I understand what I say to myself. What is love? Sure, there are probably many varieties. I guess I love everybody. And I already knew that; Questions seem to be more understandable than answers. Why?

02
Jun

feelers, time, and breakups

By myrah 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized, feelings, life, relationship and stress

Instead of antentae, humans got stuck with emotional feelers.

I have a lust and disgust for time. I need more of it, but I’d love to rid myself of it (not in a life-ending way, don’t worry!). My life now exponentially feels fuller and quicker. Time flies when you are having anything, not just fun… Time drags when you don’t think, or when you think of things you are not interested in. I haven’t felt so thoughtful in my entire life. Things are flying: through rain, snow, sleet, hail, fun, letdown, and opportunity.

I’ve lost a lover. He was a rare kind. Time ran me by and I got thrown off my feet. He ended commitments three months after discovering each other on a personal level. A short time, but an endless package of feelings and gatherings to replay for lifetimes. Companions are for life. Couples have breakups. I think I had both whether a couple of people constitute a couple, we up and broke our romance. We have companionship left over. That’s most important… I could use more ships full of company.

I am struck by his decision to hold back on “us.” If it’s a hiatus, things will straighten out together on its own. If it’s the ending punctuation mark on the sentence of love, then both of us must know that a piece of us and our experience will linger stiffened in the past, unchangeable, but retrievable. The ending period doesn’t stop anybody from reading what’s written before it. The authors can revise and append the story of love or they can leave the sentence abandoned- the orphan.

I feel like I have reasons for having feelings, rather than the isolated individual perspective of submersion in apathetic teeter of melancholy and euphoria.

disappointed but grateful
detached but realistic
blank but hopeful
fragmented but understanding
confused but content
empty but growing

I feel a physical manifestation of ambivalence.